I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
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God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.