So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Duck Duck Cougar?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
we have pet lesbian snakes
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
(214):in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now (469):Pride? (214):thats a pack of cougars (469):go fuck yourself
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
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We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Duck Duck Cougar?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
we have pet lesbian snakes
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
(214):in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
(469):Pride?
(214):thats a pack of cougars
(469):go fuck yourself
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion.