acaseofyou | open post

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they say that death is a tragedy it comes once, and it's over

“I’m usually far too stubborn to quit, so we should be all right,” he replies back with a crooked half-smile, brief and flashing, a sharp cut across his face that to those that didn’t know him would likely find jarring. It’s true he’s usually unable to back down from a challenge that he’s set for himself, no matter how ludicrous it might seem on the surface. This time at least it’s one of the pleasant tasks, he does love to learn new skills. He might inwardly need to coat them in the trappings of being productive to give himself the grace of doing it, but Kaz genuinely loves to learn new things. Facts, skills, perspectives, it usually gets prioritized in his mind but all of it he finds worthwhile. The fact that this time it’s a skill that he could share with someone else brings a different sort of pleasure to the table, too. He’s more used to learning things that compliment the knowledge and talent of those around him rather than mirroring them.

Quieting then he listens to the music. He doesn’t actually watch Birdie directly as he listens, eyes more downward while she’s just in his periphery so he can focus on the sound rather than her reaction. There’s the record player’s scratch to it that’s unique to the experience, the lyrics and cadence of the songs seeming to very well fit what he knows about her as a person. He’s not surprised she would choose songs that held a personal connection in some fashion. She’s not wrong that her voice isn’t exactly the same after having decades to develop and hone, but even in the rawness there’s something magical about it.

After two or three songs of sitting still and intense, he finally lifts his gaze to look at her. “It all sounds like your story,” he says simply, trying to find a way to sum up the experience. “One that makes me want to hear what you’re saying. I can feel your connection to it. And even if you’re not as polished, you’re still able to draw people into that experience. You’re a really talented artist, Birdie. A lot of people play music, but you really are a performer.” That she is sharing something so heartfelt he also doesn't take for granted.

That smile is good to see, however briefly. She understands the urge to learn, and though hers is more focused on a very specific track, it's a quality she likes to see in others. Particularly when they're indulging an interest of hers, something that can be shared regardless of skill level. There's no expectation of him becoming an expert, or to even play much outside his own private enjoyment of it, but she likes the idea that he'll enjoy it at all. Seems he needs more of that in his life.

But the record plays.

Kaz might not be watching her reaction, but she is watching his. Slowly, as songs change, she leans forward in the chair, elbows on her knees with her attention split between watching his face and posture and considerations, and listening to herself but long ago. It's always a vaguely out-of-body experience to hear herself like this, the songs she'd recorded in a whirl of grief and determination just after Sam had died.

When he tells her his thoughts, it's like something unwinds inside her, and she smiles wide and slow. "Thank you. I think that might be my favorite review so far." Which isn't a terribly high bar, considering she pressed a limited number of these and the record never saw any wide distribution or radio play. "I remember, when I recorded this I'd wanted to scream at people to pay attention. Guess that came through."

His fingers lightly tap against his cane’s head in tune to the song. He might not dance or sing, but this much he can do in carrying a tune. While it’s true that he is far from a natural singer, it’s become more of a joke now that he won’t sing. A legendary warning that his very voice might be the anti-siren song and drive people far away. For all his stoic attire and black and white severe appearance, his dramatic flourishes turn up in other ways, like seemingly randomly begun rumors.

A lot about Birdie’s past he still doesn’t know in detail, so he’s sure he’s possibly missing some nuance and personal connections, but emotions are universal and feel sincerely delivered. It’s something he’s come to realize over time, that perhaps he still is slowly embracing fully. That his experiences don’t mirror those around him down to every detail, but they don’t have to in order for him to recognize and understand what someone is feeling. The songs are like the tides found at the harbor, sometimes angry and crashing hard enough to make the wooden piers shudder, sometimes wistfully bubbling over the shore, leaving traces of foam that melt in moments before pulling back.

There’s a pause followed by a knowing nod when she mentions wanting to scream to get someone, anyone, to listen.

He gets that feeling, too.

“It came through. I think it’s something a lot of people can relate to. Feeling like they have something important that needs to be said, that they want to be heard, and having to fight to get anyone to pay attention. Sometimes shouting into a void is enough, but more often than not it isn’t, especially if you want to connect to someone or for something to change.” He’s never been an artist, unless a prison escape artist counts, but he knows that transformative nature it can hold. “You ever wonder about how you always loved music, then became Kindred where it’s part of your abilities? Not in the sense of it being meant to be, we’ve talked about our feelings on giving the cosmos credit. More in the sense that certain parts of ourselves don’t get chipped away. Maybe we fight harder to hold onto them.”

One day, Birdie'll get a hum out of him at the very least.

There's certainly a lot of her history to go over, at her age. She's told him a lot, in bits and pieces. Weird little vignettes and mentions that, usually, she'd steer clear of with people to avoid questions about how and why she remembers them. It's odd, almost, to be free of sidestepping truth so completely, but she enjoys the moment. That she's got him enough, at least, to tap his fingers, and to hear her. Really hear, like so many refused to way back when.

Enjoyable, even, despite the facts.

"I recorded this the year after Sam died." Birdie eases into it with a simple fact, turning her eyes instead to the record as it keeps on spinning. "He'd got drafted in that first round, and I tried to get him to get out of it. Get a waiver, you know? There were ways, and the draft board he'd got called to, they all had known our Dad. They would've done it, but he just went along. Said at least he'd get to travel some on the government's dime." She keeps her gaze on the record, the spin, the slight wobble from the years of gentle warping it was subjected to going from place to place and car trunk to car trunk. And she is very careful to not cry--she did enough of that back before her tears turned her to a bloody mess. "And we used to march and scream about it, sit on steps and write senators. Felt like we were begging anyone to listen to us, and it never seemed they did, so I thought maybe they'd listen if I sang it."

Her voice is less bitter, when she rounds back to Kaz's actual question. "Lorelai found me singing, so I figure it's... It's part that. Some things stay with you. The other part is selection, finding people based on those things that don't come out of either of you."

Given the conversation topic, he's not surprised that her eyes remain averted to the record spinning, going in circles as the songs plunge forward. His fingers stop tapping as he listens to her talk instead, unveiling a little more about her family past. A year out of a sibling's violent death, he can imagine she was still in a raw place. He gets it, that frustration and rage. He's seen many people die because nobody would help them, nobody would listen. Bodies being nothing more than trash on one's doorstep to wipe aside when walking their narrow paths. His heart aches that Birdie knows that pain all too well herself. People being considered nothing more than pawns used as fodder for politics, power, or pleasure. It was devastating, whether met overseas or in one's backyard.

He's quiet after she shares about Sam, there doesn't seem to be much that could be said in his mind. The loss of a brother is, unfortunately, not something even he has the power to fix. Not that she's asking him to, but thinking like that is his natural instinct.

"Things that don't come out of you, you mean complimentary personalities?" He can relate to that if so, he's certainly surrounded himself with people who make up for areas he lacks. Though there's overlap still in certain areas, such as having good work ethics and some semblance of morals.

Not to leave the rest of what she'd shared hanging, he adds after another pause, "Also, I can't blame you for trying. With the protests, and the songs. Doing whatever you thought you could to get heard. Sometimes it doesn't always work. Or it takes years, or lifetimes. Most people only care to change when it affects them personally, and that's unfortunately true for people in power, too. Getting through to them... well. It rarely happens quickly. Your music still means something, though. And I think it could inspire those that do hear it."

It's a tragic kind of memory. More so than she usually shares, though she doesn't get as deep as the violence of it. Birdie prefers to remember him without the trip wire and the explosion--they hadn't even really learned about it until well after it'd happened. It's the violence, though, of him being sent there to begin with that follows her around, that haunts the record still playing. She could go on about it, about how much it was, how terrible and how constant, but talking about Sam is enough for the night.

"Something like that." At this point, with quiet and a change of direction, she's able to look at him again. "And something deeper. Complementary is part of it, but there's things that are the same. Notes can be different and go well together and it's harmony, but it's more like matching pitch." When she struggles, Kaz has probably noticed how she retreats back to music. "A way people resonate with how they are, beneath all the things we do."

For a moment, Birdie considers what it is she just rambled off and shakes her head with a small smile. "If you managed to follow any of that, you deserve a commendation."

The rest of what he says settles over her in pieces, not unlike a blanket. For all he can intimidate and glower, he's got his way with words that need to be heard. "You're right, change is hard and long. I've seen it happen in inches over decades, but it does happen." A slow craw, always, but she could list things off that have ended, that have gotten better, that still need work. She smiles, small but genuine. "I do like to think my music helped, at least a little. And if you're inspired, I'll consider sharing it a success."

The lack of eye contact is less worthy of note to Kaz, he completely understands why it can be difficult in times of personal unveiling. That her eyes land on the record player is more relevant to him, though not surprising that Birdie would find it a source of comfort. Her words follow a similar path, clinging to notes and harmonies that make sense and express what might otherwise be incomprehensible. It matters less that he can fully parse out the meaning than it does for her to express it. That she’s doing so to him. Much like Kaz finds firm ground in numbers and figures upon which to stride, she sways to music only she can hear, neither of them remaining still or silent for long. That much, he fully connects with her.

When she looks at him, he gives a little nod of encouragement that he’s with her. She’s still got one foot at least in the present and he can follow where she’s heading with her words. “What manifests on the surface might differ, but what drives those acts are a collective pool from which all resonate?” If so, he can get behind that. There are a set of emotions and needs that drive all actions, though how those actions manifest can differ. A song about grief or love can connect many people to it, even if their reaction then to the music or how they act on that emotion can vary. And sometimes, those variances or differences can make something greater rather than act against one another.

The smile might be slight and small, but it still tugs at him. It’s nice sometimes, in the darker recesses of his being, to know that he can bring out something positive in those around him. That it isn’t all merely teaching people near him how to fight and survive, not just handing them chances to save themselves. Birdie already knows well enough how to do that. What else he can offer people beyond that and a day’s pay he’s figuring out, so used to just encouraging purposes that align with his own. “Plus, it’s not over yet,” he teases. “You have plenty of time to keep influencing with your music. The world still needs plenty of work. Rest is for worse than the wicked, it’s for the boring and useless.”

Sometimes, after their conversations, Birdie wonders about how much more open she gets to be. Never in the moment, though. In the moment it simply is what it is, a perfectly strange inversion of how she usually operates, all her physicality of affection replaced with near complete honesty marred by choice omissions more for the benefit of others than herself.

He is, though, very good at getting her to smile. There's more to him than the things he can do, but this is her favorite.

"Yeah," and that smile widens when Kaz explains about the surface and the pool. "Just like that." Granted, those collective pools are harder to find than the surface, but she holds onto them much as she can when she finds them in people. Kaz is one of them, much to her own personal satisfaction.

The music keeps on, but the mood around it is brighter than before. Or, at least less melancholy after Kaz has his say about it. He's right, there's always work to be done, always a new song ahead to sing. Maybe not right from her, but from someone. "No, it's not over yet. And the boring and useless at the top can come tumbling down eventually."

While he’s only a very beginner at playing music, he’s always liked the phrase in tune. He’s not above scavenging language like he does other parts when it makes sense, and the analogy of the term fits so well in different settings. Kaz has always felt in tune with reading a person’s wants and needs, with figuring out what makes them tick. It’s not foolproof, but for a person who’s closed himself off to emotions for so much of his life, he’s seen the value in understanding those of others. Birdie’s had years of experience fitting into different eras and worlds, but she’s been open enough with him to pick up on what she’s been willing to share. At the very least, he’s made the effort to follow along, and she’s one of the rare cases of being his friend to where he doesn’t plan on using it against her.

The mood in the room shifts, bringing a new hue to the songs playing. He’s never much sought to find nuance in musical sounds, but he can appreciate the layers that songs provide depending on what a person is bringing to their side of listening to them. “I’m certainly ready for such a fight. Don’t know who I’d be without one, and I’m fine not finding out.” It’s mostly true. There are moments where his past makes him doubt the violent man he’s become, but by and large, Kaz is settled into the role he willingly fills. Into what he can accomplish as Dirtyhands, as a Brekker.

He rolls his cane between his fingers in time to the tune, still perched sitting on the edge of his desk. She’s not staring at the record player, not as seemingly lost in another time as she had been a few moments ago. She’s sharing a piece of her with him, and it hasn’t gone unnoticed. It hasn’t come without a price, and he gets that, too. “I’m gonna get greedy now, though. When you put out new songs, you’ll have to let me know if it’s not in Ketterdam. Send a text, or a news article, about how people rallied against the dying of the night while listening to a certain protest song. Long as I’m around I’ll listen. It might do both of us some good.”

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